Times Are Hard For Dreamers

When I get sad like really, really sad I tend to say stupid things. Somethings stupid like, "Maybe you'd like this cup of coco in my hands." Or, "I think we'd make a good sad company together with my head resting on your knee or shoulder, as I feel you breathing steadily with a steadiness that competes with the steadiness of myself I'm no longer sure exists, until I'm with you." Things like "Those stars are bright tonight," and "I love you." Or something. Moments like these, I cry; I swallow tissues for dinner and see the way they curl up despicably like rotted clouds on my dinner plate at midnight-- The dregs of a hard, long, fitful crying.

Every night I wish to look into your eyes and place my small hands on your gentle face and with those eyes nestled safely between my pale hands, know that they are indeed blue and see the light reflected in them from some dull florescent light above us somehow made resplendent by you. 〆

Film. 

Here is a simple truth or two that I have learned about the cemetery (any cemetery for that matter): 1. The old tree with whom I do not know its name but whom I'd like to call Mavis, that is a good spot to sit and let your back rest against a wooded knot, while you try and eat a blood orange peacefully and to twiddle your fingers delicately along the spine of its peel until it is nothing but citrusy spray left as simple residue on your sleeping tongue and cold hands, much like perfume. 2. Broken headstones make for a marvelous picture, but a hard pang in your heart. A very, very hard pang.

"tout est calme" -wanting to be touched or not wanting to be touched -trying to read a book I've forsaken long ago -feeling people can read or see right through me -holding hands with someone I'm not sure about -tightness in my chest -starting conversations -my dying plant, Georgette -sitting alone in my room -not sleeping anymore -staying in too often -climaxing music -writing mindlessly -useless lists -irony

I once heard that is was impossible to eat 5 kilos of raspberries in under 10 seconds. This I've found is quite possible and quite life giving, actually. Stupid realists. They never learn the good stuff.